The Great Sibling Debate

April 29, 2013

The Great Sibling Debate

 

So I am older-ish. For a new parent, at least, maybe older than average (33, I was 31 when I had P). J is older too, he turns the big 4-0 this year (shhh). So we are not spring chickens…at least not in baby making land.  Despite all this age stuff, we seem to keep coming back to the ‘should we have another child’ conversation. A lot lately.

I was an only child, on purpose. My mom had a tubal ligation when I was 2. I feel like I missed out on the true story somewhere….because that just seems like a drastic step to take at 22 years old…but anytime it was discussed, I always got the same explanation. Which was that my parents were very happy and content with me and they could not imagine loving another child as much as they loved me. My parents were young when they had me, money was tight and we had some rocky times as a family, so it was probably a smart decision, but it still seemed like a crazy thing for my mom to do at 22 (there is a cheesy reference to a Taylor Swift song in there somewhere, but it is escaping me right now). However, adult decisions aside, I liked being an only child. For completely selfish reasons, of course, but I was kid, so what can you expect. I went through a phase when I was around 6 where I wanted a sibling (and when I remembered it as an adult I felt like an ass because my mom must have felt so bad when I went on and on about wanting a brother or sister), but other than that I was somewhat aware that life as an only child definitely had its advantages.

J is the oldest of three. He has two younger sisters (he technically had an older brother that was stillborn). He gets along with his sisters, but they are not particularly close. At times, his family is a train wreck. Train wrecks are not pretty. Money was very tight in his family too.  I have asked him a few times what he thought would have been different about his life if he was an only child, obviously it is a moot point, he only knows a childhood that includes his sisters and I only know a childhood that includes friends that go home and just me.

In my mind, when I thought about myself as a parent, I assumed I would also only have one child. I am a perfect example of that person who desperately wants to control the outcome of their life choices, but then ends up tripping over herself trying to make it all perfect only to end up someplace totally different. I still have days with P where I have this perfect clarity of thought and I think ‘I am totally nuts if I change my mind and have another child, our family unit is perfect the way it is’. But more and more I am wanting another baby. I am wanting P to have a sibling, to have more family. I think J has always wanted another baby….but when I throw my anti-baby logic at him (which mostly involves our finances, which, if you looked at them, you would probably question why we had any children at all) he sighs, agrees with me, and puts the conversation down for a while, but I think he senses I am considering changing my opinion on the topic.

When my mom died (she will come up a lot, so just bear with me) I sort of assumed that any small desire I had for another child died too….I could not fathom having a child that would not know her. Like it was somehow unfair to my mom to have another baby after her death (no logic, just how I felt, and still feel quite honestly). But lately I have been contemplating the family that P has left, and I am now starting to feel that if something happens to J and I, we have unfairly left him with very little family (functional family at least).  Does a sibling change that? Maybe. I don’t know. I know that aside from when I was six, I have never wished to have a sibling more than I do now. Just someone who understood losing my mom and understood me (my best friend is a pretty great stand in for a sibling, and she was very close to my mom too….but she has lost both her parents, so something inside me has a hard time lamenting to her and wondering if she cries too when her child learns something new and my mom is not there to share it, because I know it is not the same for her). So while finances, personal experience and some grief are my driving forces for my uterus being ‘one and done’…enjoying being a parent, wanting to provide my child another family member, and also some grief are becoming my driving forces for wanting another baby. I will keep you posted.