The Great Sibling Debate

April 29, 2013

The Great Sibling Debate

 

So I am older-ish. For a new parent, at least, maybe older than average (33, I was 31 when I had P). J is older too, he turns the big 4-0 this year (shhh). So we are not spring chickens…at least not in baby making land.  Despite all this age stuff, we seem to keep coming back to the ‘should we have another child’ conversation. A lot lately.

I was an only child, on purpose. My mom had a tubal ligation when I was 2. I feel like I missed out on the true story somewhere….because that just seems like a drastic step to take at 22 years old…but anytime it was discussed, I always got the same explanation. Which was that my parents were very happy and content with me and they could not imagine loving another child as much as they loved me. My parents were young when they had me, money was tight and we had some rocky times as a family, so it was probably a smart decision, but it still seemed like a crazy thing for my mom to do at 22 (there is a cheesy reference to a Taylor Swift song in there somewhere, but it is escaping me right now). However, adult decisions aside, I liked being an only child. For completely selfish reasons, of course, but I was kid, so what can you expect. I went through a phase when I was around 6 where I wanted a sibling (and when I remembered it as an adult I felt like an ass because my mom must have felt so bad when I went on and on about wanting a brother or sister), but other than that I was somewhat aware that life as an only child definitely had its advantages.

J is the oldest of three. He has two younger sisters (he technically had an older brother that was stillborn). He gets along with his sisters, but they are not particularly close. At times, his family is a train wreck. Train wrecks are not pretty. Money was very tight in his family too.  I have asked him a few times what he thought would have been different about his life if he was an only child, obviously it is a moot point, he only knows a childhood that includes his sisters and I only know a childhood that includes friends that go home and just me.

In my mind, when I thought about myself as a parent, I assumed I would also only have one child. I am a perfect example of that person who desperately wants to control the outcome of their life choices, but then ends up tripping over herself trying to make it all perfect only to end up someplace totally different. I still have days with P where I have this perfect clarity of thought and I think ‘I am totally nuts if I change my mind and have another child, our family unit is perfect the way it is’. But more and more I am wanting another baby. I am wanting P to have a sibling, to have more family. I think J has always wanted another baby….but when I throw my anti-baby logic at him (which mostly involves our finances, which, if you looked at them, you would probably question why we had any children at all) he sighs, agrees with me, and puts the conversation down for a while, but I think he senses I am considering changing my opinion on the topic.

When my mom died (she will come up a lot, so just bear with me) I sort of assumed that any small desire I had for another child died too….I could not fathom having a child that would not know her. Like it was somehow unfair to my mom to have another baby after her death (no logic, just how I felt, and still feel quite honestly). But lately I have been contemplating the family that P has left, and I am now starting to feel that if something happens to J and I, we have unfairly left him with very little family (functional family at least).  Does a sibling change that? Maybe. I don’t know. I know that aside from when I was six, I have never wished to have a sibling more than I do now. Just someone who understood losing my mom and understood me (my best friend is a pretty great stand in for a sibling, and she was very close to my mom too….but she has lost both her parents, so something inside me has a hard time lamenting to her and wondering if she cries too when her child learns something new and my mom is not there to share it, because I know it is not the same for her). So while finances, personal experience and some grief are my driving forces for my uterus being ‘one and done’…enjoying being a parent, wanting to provide my child another family member, and also some grief are becoming my driving forces for wanting another baby. I will keep you posted.

Fly Over States

May 24, 2012

Fly Over States

So in my last post I mentioned my impending trip to Indiana for my cousin’s wedding.  I have been home since Monday, but I am just now getting my wits about me and emerging from the tunnel that was flightàfamilyàflightàhomeàjury dutyàwork catch up.

For the flight TO Indiana, I was prepared for anything: crying baby, restless baby, meltdowns, etc.  I had stuffed as much toys, food, books, snacks as I could into the diaper bag to take on the plane.  So what happened?  P nursed right after take-off and slept the ENTIRE flight.  Aside from my leg falling asleep because I dare not move, it was perfect.  However, my mom and I were just a little bored; we brought nothing to entertain ourselves because we were prepared to entertain P the whole time.

For the flight HOME:  We were now prepared for a sleeping baby, we even brought books to read (we should have known better).  It was sort of close to afternoon nap time, P needed to nurse and he had an action-packed week, surely he was ready to sleep in the great white-noise tunnel in the sky again, right? WRONG.  He must have caught wind of the fact that he missed an entire ‘vacation event’ the first time around and he was not missing it this time.  Thankfully he was happy for the most part, but he was all over the place.  He wanted to play and climb and flirt with people and eat puffs and nurse, but not sleep.  It was draining for my mom and me, but again, he was happy, so overall travelling with the baby was a success.

Our stay in Indiana was awesome.  Yes, Indiana...corn fields, small towns, flat land, and endless back roads…was awesome.  We saw family and introduced P to relatives I haven’t seen in years.  It was so nice to go ‘home’ (Indiana is more my parent’s home than mine, I am an Ohio/Illinois child, but the Midwest feel is the same, plus we spent a lot of time and miles between those three states when I was a kid) and have people that just know you and love you welcome you into their homes and make you feel special for a few days. P thought he was a celebaby…the world was his oyster and he was all over it.

Over the last two decades I have maybe become too anti-Florida, and I know that there are people who plan their whole lives to come here and retire or even come here and work and build businesses.  It just isn’t my cup of American tea.  I could take or leave the beach, it’s pretty, but it is also sandy and sweaty and salty and hot.  Plus, I have never lived near the beach; I have always lived in the middle. I loved Gainesville when I went to college, but mostly because it was a cool college town, not because it offered anything particularly special geographically or seasonally.  I am a mountain, river, cabin type of person; it is where I find peace.

So not that Indiana has mountains, but we stayed at my uncle’s cabin on a lake.  It was down endless winding roads and the first night there offered cool enough weather to have a fire.  I was in heaven.  The air felt fresh and crisp and even the hot sun on my cousin’s wedding day felt better than the Florida sun somehow…see, I told you I have ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome!