Tatas

June 19, 2012

Tatas…mourning the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding journey (I think).

So when I found out I was pregnant, I was like “I am going to try and be a good parent (props for an obvious goal there?) and raise a healthy child to the best of my means and ability”.

Then….I started reading, and obsessing, and I got into the slow period of work last summer (when everyone left me the F alone and I actually had a relaxing summer) and I was like “I am totally breastfeeding, at least until 6 months!”   I had always planned to try and breastfeed, but the more I read, the more I wanted to try and sustain this goal. The ‘at least 6 months’ part meant I would have to pump at work (since I only had the first 3 months at home). Luckily my BFF had purchased the mac daddy of the breast pumps and then was not able to breastfeed for more than 6 weeks, so she told me I was welcome to use it (score!). (BTW I do NOT need any input on the use of a breast pump by more than one user…got it, I read the disclaimer)

So listen, I KNOW that breastfeeding is hard for many, impossible for some, and I applaud all who try it.  Don’t hate, but overall it was easy for me.  Looking back there are some mistakes I made (not building a freezer stash when I had oversupply is now a big one I am kicking myself in the ass for), but overall the major hurdles we took in stride.  P had a good latch from the start; I only had a clogged duct once and while painful for 24 hours, it went away rather uneventfully; pumping sucks (no pun intended) but I am making it work…..until the last two weeks.

P is right at 10 ½ months old and has only had breast milk (and a little goats milk in his cereal), so I know I more than exceeded my 6 month goal…but my 6 month goal quickly became a 12 month goal, which has become “I’ll wean when he is ready to wean” goal. But the last few weeks my supply has just been tanking.  It is making me depressed and in turn that depression is making my supply worse.  The BIG question that I cannot quite figure out is WHY??  I am sad to admit that I truly believe this bull $h!t being babysat at HR work schedule is mostly to blame.

This is not just me bellyaching (it is mostly me truly aching). I truly think this is the reason for the downfall of my ’12 months on only breast milk’ goal.  My body was on a sweet routine for a while. I was waking up with P and nursing, going to work, pumping a decent amount to get him through the middle of the next day and then storing what was left over on Fridays.  I was even pumping enough extra in the evenings on the weekends to almost be set for Mondays.  No more.

I am tired all. the. time. Now that I get up too early to see P in the morning, I have to pump super early.  Also I am pumping in someone’s office at work and I can’t get on the computer in that room and I can’t get my mind to just shut off and relax. So for the last week I have been getting ONE session where I actually get a decent amount (decent now = 4oz…that used to be a sucky amountL) and if I am running late in the morning or I am just particularly unhappy to be awake, I have been struggling in the mornings as well (plus throw in some random middle of the night wake ups by P and I am toast).

As of Monday my freezer supply is gone. This made me cry.  Writing this post makes me cry.  Using the formula samples in my pantry that have been mocking me the past few weeks when I realized I was not keeping up….makes me cry.

I am completely aware that in the big picture, this is far from being a tragedy.  P can still nurse, we just have to supplement until 12 months when we can start incorporating cow’s milk.  Also, the success I have had to this point is an accomplishment, especially with pumping and working.  It does not change that I feel like my body is letting me down and that I was not prepared to NOT do this on P’s terms, not because I couldn’t keep up.  It also does not change the (possibly irrational) anger I feel towards my job right now.  That is a whole other post for another day, but getting up at 5:30am to sit at a completely unfulfilling job until 4pm and not get home to see P until 5pm is starting to wear thin, fast.  Anxiety and almost tears three times a day when I am again disappointed by a pathetic pumping session definitely does not help.

I am done. This too shall pass. Vacation is in two weeks.